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Later Days Here I Come transcript
(Tommy and Marie are lethargically sitting in the living room. The clock strikes midnight and the two wish one another happy birthday before going to sleep.) (intro) (Tommy is asleep, but Marie wakes him up, brandishing a sock puppet.) Tommy: Gah! Marie: Morning Tommy, I come bearing an important message. Tommy: Have you realized that we're getting too old for this kind of thing? Marie: Well you got me there. Anyway, today is our dad's birthday! Tommy: Already? I almost forgot it. Marie: That's too bad, I was kinda hoping for a cover. I totally spaced on that, and all else. Tommy: Never mind, if it's going to be like the last few birthdays, dad will have us go by a list he set up. Marie: Great, I hate schedules. Tommy: Not a schedule. Schedules have time constraints, lists are just objectives that need to be done in no particular order before the day ends. Marie: That does sound doable. Tommy: That's the spirit. Now, we had better go see dad, he'd kill us if we take too long to give him our wishes. (the two go downstairs and see Cosmo making breakfast.) Cosmo: Weh-Hell, you two made it on time for the first objective of the day. I'm proud of you two. I made waffles, the frozen ones, not the ones you pour out of a carton. (the three hear knocking. Tommy and Marie go to answer it and see Kerry is present.) Kerry: Howdy do, happy b-day Cos-may. Cosmo: What does that even- Tommy/Marie: TRESSPASSER! (Tommy and Marie power up and beat up Kerry.) Kerry: Just give him this present and I'll be on my way. (Tommy takes the present and Kerry leaves.) Cosmo: I was hoping Kerry would come bug me later on in the day. Tommy: By the way, Mr. Hubbard got you a present. Cosmo: And? It's definitely another issue in Morality Tales for the Inept Parent. Ever since I cancelled my faux subscription Kerry's been sending the latest issues as a birthday gift. Marie: That's wack, and kinda cheap. Cosmo: You see why I loathe that guy, right? Tommy: Dad, we know full well why you hate him, heck, when he didn't give us any candy on Halloween we burned that scarecrow in his front yard. Heck, me and Marie knotted his garden hose too. Cosmo: Who else was involved? Tommy: It's not right to tattle- Marie: Us, Julie, Ashley, Fiona, Bernadette, Jupiter, Victor, Corky and we even had a little help from some teenagers. Cosmo: Good thing you're not Kerry's kid. He'd either hug you or vomit. Tommy: Anything you want us to do now dad? Cosmo: No, not right now. The remainder of my list involves the guys, but I'll need you back in the evening, no later. In the meantime, go out and play. (the two leave. Cosmo checks his watch.) Cosmo: Hmmm, Ned doesn't get off work for a while. I need to kill some time. Kids- CRAP! Already gone. Wait, I could just run some errands, better to be waiting in line than at a desk in a humid office. (Cosmo heads out.) (it goes to Ashley, Fiona, Francis and Ruth on the train tracks. Ashley and Fiona are placing firecrackers on the tracks while Francis and Ruth set up the camera.) Ruth: So uh, what are we doing again? Francis: Do you seriously need me to explain this again? Ruth: Why do you think I asked? Francis: Well, I want to make my own cheesy action film trailer, but I need to have something blow up to tie it all together, so what better way to do it than have a train fly through a big explosion, hence those firecrackers? Ruth: Wow, that sounds like murder. Francis: You should read up on my grandfather's legacy. Ashley: Are you two ready yet? Fiona: The train'll be here any minute now. Francis: We're rolling. Ruth, say the line. Ruth: No way it's cheap and annoying. Francis: Like every action film ever. You'd probably hate it in Israel. Ruth: Ugh, in a world, where macho men always get the action, two young girls seek to break the mold. Ashley: Train! (Ashley and Fiona assume their positions and run as the train moves to them. It goes over the firecrackers and they explode, destroying the bridge and causing the train to fall.) Ruth: Like I said, murder. (the four run away.) Francis: Oh my god. Call the studios because I'm on my way! Ruth: Well, Hollywood is the same place that recruited Roman Polanski- Hey, did it just get awkward around here? (the four look and are horrified to see Dillon is near them.) Dillon: Hey guys hows it been what'd I miss? Francis: Nothing. Now beat it. Dillon: Hey I'm here to be better. Ashley: Last time you said that you gave me a hemorrhage and an aneurysm and my face was in a scowl for the past year. Fiona: Last time you said something like that, you had Ruth's dog embalmed, while it was still alive. Dillon: I told you that in confidence. But I've changed, look I brushed my hair. Francis: Wow, you did the one thing we never complained about. We're really impressed. Ruth: We're outta here, if you really want to make us happy, why don't you disappear for another ten episodes? Dillon: I'll remember that. Francis: That'll be the day. Now scram. (Dillon leaves.) Ashley: Think we should've asked where he was? Fiona: Probably living in some dumpster, like my grandmother down in Memphis. Ruth: Isn't your grandmother middle-class? Fiona: Yeah but her hygiene stinks. Marie: Hey guys, movie camera, carnage by the bridge, that looks fun. What's happening? Francis: Dillon's back for some reason. Tommy: Thought we saw the last of him during the Venus flytrap situation. Fiona: I just thought he got eaten. Francis: Well whatever the case, he's back. Tommy: Is he intending on doing something to us? Francis: No, but let's be on our toes just to be sure. Marie: Perfect, we need as many heads as possible when we go shopping. Francis: What for? Tommy: It's our dad's birthday today. Francis: Oh man I forgot. Is he lax or picky? Marie: From what we've seen he's a bit of a challenge to please if you aren't dead set on doing the job right. Nothing gets past him. (it goes to Cosmo in the grocery store, passing a rack of cereal.) Cosmo: Heh, they have a cereal called Choco Poppers above a box of laxatives. Wish the guys were here, we'd get this going quick. (back to the kids) Francis: Okay, if we're letting the gang know, we should probably tell the Halloween Kids too. Ruth: Alison's number is KL5-4555. Francis: They don't call it by the Klondike anymore. Ruth: I really need to update my landline. (It goes to Alison who's playing a game of ping pong with Colleen, Julie and Emily.) Alison: That's seven to nothing! Undefeated and un-opposing team scored in the house! Julie: Whatever we have three chances to knock you off your high horse. Alison: Your serve. (Julie hits the ball, but Alison misses due to her phone ringing.) Emily: There goes your title. Alison: I want a do over. (Alison answers the phone.) Alison: What? Dillon's back, how!? You need me to what? Okay, meet me by the oak tree on Cerny Street in a few minutes. Emily: What was that? Alison: Dillon's back, surprisingly, and Francis wants us to help pick out a present for Mr. Kadic's birthday. Julie: Dillon? What does he want? Alison: Beats me, Francis didn't say. Chances are he's only around to annoy us. Julie: Nothing a little butt kicking can't fix. Emily: Now what about Kadic? Alison: Chances are Kadic's the kind of person who's hard to please. Not into simple pleasures. (it cuts to Cosmo who's drinking a smoothie on a park bench.) (back to the four) Alison: Let's get going, by the way since the game hasn't been completed I automatically win. Colleen: Doesn't that nullify-? (Alison slaps her on the back of the head.) Colleen: Ow! Alison: You asked for that. (it goes to Georgina, reading a book by an oak tree. Dillon approaches her.) Dillon: Watcha reading? Georgina: A book. Dillon: Oh yeah? By who? Georgina: An author. Please leave. Dillon: Oh no you don't. I'm not going anywhere until- (Dillon screams when Georgina moves the book down, revealing her face is covered in slugs.) Georgina: Never thought that I'd meet a boy who's afraid of slugs. Sam: Never thought I'd meet a diva who likes slugs. Georgina: Oh hello, what brings you here? Sam: My friends were playing ping pong, drove me crazy. So I decided to catch up on my reading, and I see you're doing the same thing. Georgina: Strike Out, Strike Gold, oh what I would give to meet a fellow as charming as the one in this book. Sam: Pssh, you would be into rom-fiction. Georgina: Well what're you reading that doesn't warrant any form of snark? Sam: Witch spells 101. I need to broaden my horizons, also hoping I could find a cosmetic spell, I think I'm about to get a complimentary witch nose. Georgina: Ah, condolences. Alison: Yo! Sam: There goes some needed tranquil. Francis: George, it's about time I found you, we need you both today. Georgina: What for? Tommy: It's my dad's birthday today, and we need to figure out what to get him. Georgina: Ah, Mr. Kadic strikes me as one who would never go for anything that didn't seem right. (it cuts to Cosmo at the dentist) Cosmo: Just so we're clear, if you do this without using any anesthetic, this'll be free, right? Dentist: Just between us. As far as anyone knows I'm digging into inflamed gums. (the dentist comes in with a drill and Cosmo lets out a loud scream.) (back to the kids.) Marie: No matter what we give him, he's bound to love it as long as it's from me and Tommy. Colleen: So why're we getting roped into this? Tommy: We're pressed for ideas. Now let's go! (the kids get going. A wasp flies near Sam's face.) Sam: Geez. (the wasp heads toward the tree and a swarm consumes it.) (it goes to Cosmo who's at the video store. Cosmo's phone rings.) Cosmo: No Kerry. (Cosmo goes down one of the aisles and his phone rings again.) Cosmo: No means no. (Cosmo takes two tapes and the phone rings again. Cosmo sees it's a blocked number on his caller ID) Cosmo: What? Kerry: It's about time you picked up. Cosmo: I'm busy, hey, why did you block your number? Kerry: Because I know you wouldn't answer if I didn't. Cosmo: Listen I'd love to join you in your sadistic rituals, but I have things to do. Kerry: Like what? You're not working today. Cosmo: I have things. Kerry: Like, going to the video store? Cosmo: Hypothetically. Kerry: Maybe standing in line at the video store? Cosmo: Why're you focusing so much on that? I'm not at the video store. Kerry: Yes you are, I'm looking at you right now. (Cosmo looks and sees Kerry waving to him outside.) Cosmo: That's not me. You've seen too many mustachioed near balding men wearing polo shirts and khaki shorts. Kerry: It's weird, because that mustachioed near balding man happens to be saying the exact same things you are. (Cosmo moves his lips.) Kerry: I know you're not saying anything. Cosmo: Kiss my behind! Kerry: GET OUT HERE! Cosmo: Why should I? Kerry: I have your friends waiting in my car. (it cuts to Lars, Bob and Ned, along with Lars' associates Rooney, Samuel and the Binder brothers sitting in a car sweating and hyperventilating.) Cosmo: You monster. Look, if I let you come along for one of my activities for the day will you leave me alone after that. Kerry: You know I can't promise you that. Cosmo: Fine. (Cosmo hangs up.) Cosmo: You know, maybe I should take up Hanneke's offer to go with her to Venezuela. Heck, I could join Lars and the gang and frame him for arson. Kerry: Let's go! Cosmo: How're you still on my line!? (Cosmo gets out, unknowingly passing the kids as they enter the store next door.) Tommy: Never expected the mall. Francis: Well we don't know what Mr. Kadic likes, so why don't we expand our options and go to a place that has it all? Suzy: Or, we could cut to the chase and get him a card? Emily: Not a chance, all they have are negatively sarcastic ones. Elizabeth: We could just get him a tie. People like him ooze over professional monikers like that. (Cosmo is seen at a bar, struggling to tie his tie.) Cosmo: Stupid thing! Need a freaking rocket scientist to get this on right! (Cosmo tosses it down and sits down.) Cosmo: Hey Kerry, your gift stinks, can you just go now? Kerry: Hey, why should I? I'm here to bring in an important aspect for anyone's birthday. Samuel: But we're already at a bar. Kerry: Games. Cosmo: Games? Kerry: I know you're a boring man, so let's break you out of that shell. Cosmo: I know how to have fun Kerry. I just don't want to have fun the same way you do. Kerry: At least hear me out. Cosmo: You won't leave if I say no, will you? Kerry: You know me. Now let's play a game I'd like to call, Declaration. Declare something to someone and I'll try and guess it. Cosmo, declare to Ned your favorite band. Cosmo: I declare that this is the dumbest idea for a game ever. (Kerry scowls at him.) Cosmo: Okay, keep your underwear un-wadded. (Cosmo whispers into Ned's ear.) Kerry: Okay let me think. Lifer. Cosmo: Lifer? Kerry: Lifer. Cosmo: Lifer. Lifer, Kerry, nobody listens to Lifer. Kerry: Not true, I saw you buying their CD once. Cosmo: Did you see me break it and burn the remains soon after? Kerry: Whatever. Do your worst. Cosmo: How can I, what with that buffalo sauce in your beard? Kerry: What!? I need to shave this out! (Kerry runs to the bathroom.) Lars: Where does that leave us? Cosmo: One second. (Cosmo downs his drink.) Cosmo: Okay, got a little mojo going. Done with this part of my list. Let's get out of here before Kerry gets back. (the men leave as the wasps enter the bar and completely consume it. They also get Kerry's razor.) Kerry: You could've waited a few more seconds to eat. (back to the kids.) Tommy: For the last time, my dad hates movies where Woody Harrelson is involved! I don't care if Blues Traveller was featured in the film, we'd have to put up with him before they show up! Ashley: Alright fine! Sorry I brought it up! Alison: Shame that it shares the producer of that Howard Stern movie, but the same producer of Bio-Dome and one of the other Pumpkinhead movies. I think you dodged a serious bullet Tommy. Tommy: Okay, I give up! We'll just give him our love and attention and hope he goes for it. (the wasps enter the mall.) Colleen: BEES! Woman: What do you know!? These are so Ds. Colleen: Wasps! Man: Hey you don't see us judging you by your heritage. Colleen: Hornets! Boy: Just what we need, people making us feel unwelcome because we're from a different state. Colleen: Uh... bugs? Bugs Bunny: Eh... what's up doc? Colleen: Let's just flee. (the kids run out as the wasps eat the mall.) Marie: At least we looked everywhere in there. Colleen: Alison? Alison: This is beyond what I've searched so far. I got nothing. Tommy: All I know is that dad might need our help. Marie: Maybe that could be our gift to him. Tommy: Worth a shot. (both power up and run away.) Sam: Hey Angela, is that your uncle? What's with his beard? Angela: Don't make eye contact. Let's just keep up with the hulk siblings. (it goes to Cosmo and the guys playing a game of poker.) Lars: So how has your day been so far Cosmo? Cosmo: About average. At least I'm making it through my list. Thank goodness Kerry isn't here. Samuel: Yeah, hey guys playing poker is wrong. Here's a lecture followed by some trauma to put you on the path of god. Rooney: Kerry's so nuts it's hard to differentiate that from reality. Norton: Just yesterday he nearly drove one of my clients into a fatal aneurysm, all because he likes scaring children. I swear, that guy makes me want to move back to Philadelphia. Ned: What's wrong with Philadelphia? Tell you what, go to Portland and then tell me how bad Philadelphia supposedly is. Norton: Which one? Bob: Just aim for the northwest, or the south, but avoid the west coast. Something's in the water down there. Preston: Cosmo, would it be too much trouble for me to have another cup of coffee? Cosmo: Depends, do you have four cents? Preston: Four cents, what, WHAT IS IT WITH PEOPLE CHARGING ME FOUR CENTS FOR A CUP OF COFFEE!? I-IT'S A CUP OF COFFEE FROM A FRIEND'S HOUSE, IT'S COMPLIMENTARY! Cosmo: Four cents or forget about hanging with us, ever again. Preston: If it hadn't been for your allegiance I'd see to it your property gets seized. Here's your stinking four cents. Cosmo: Cream or milk? Preston: I'll have it black, thank you very much Cosmo you're the best. Rooney: Sorry man, the pot's empty. (a wasp flies in. It lands by a mirror and a large reflection is displayed, to the horror of the men. The wasp moves away and they see its actual size.) Cosmo: Guys? Samuel: I don't know if I'm allergic. Rooney: I'm a bit allergic, but it's non-fatal. Still very uncomfortable though. Cosmo: Let's just leave, no telling what'd anger this wasp. (the swarm comes in, but is drawn away by a hanging repellent.) Cosmo: Or... we could just resume our game. Bob: I kinda want to get a better look at that mysterious swarm. Cosmo: If we had kept going, I would've won Norton's kneecaps. Norton: Say what? (the men go outside and they see the wasps consuming Ned's house.) Ned: Oh dear god. (they consume Bob's house. Enid, Delta, Autumn and Hanneke are playing bridge.) Enid: The taxmen are becoming more and more creative apparently. (the wasps consume Lars' house.) Lars: I'm going, coming ma! (The Binders try to help Lars. The wasps consume Kerry's house.) Cosmo: Well at least we got a happy ending. (the wasps consume the manor. The kids enter the area.) Marie: You could've just peed at my dad's house. Alison: Your dad has a low-flow toilet. Tommy: Yeah, upstairs. Alison: Besides, I needed to get my- hey. Where's the manor? Colleen: Probably hanging out with the mall. (Alison faints.) Alison: Is the manor still gone. Colleen: Yes. Alison: I'm going back to sleep. (Alison lays back down.) (Kerry heads towards the men.) Kerry: Guys, did you see- Cosmo: Those wasps? You just missed them eating your house. Some others were eaten but they're not important. Kerry: I know what's causing this. Remember our first job back when we were in the Raven Stakes? How Ms. Abernathy just, disappeared? Cosmo: Okay, but how could they be here? They need to be summoned, and the summoning source is long gone. Lars: Uh... Cosmo: It is gone, right? Lars: I... may have had the area where the tome was buried excavated to make way for a new fountain. I had to keep up my status quo. But I didn't summon them, I had the book stored in my attic. Cosmo: Did your daughter get into it? Lars: She didn't even know it existed, let alone ever went into the attic. Then again I had an exterminator come over to deal with a termite problem. Looked strangely young too... (it cuts to Dillon, who's holding the tome.) Dillon: Yes, yes more more! Destroy everything. Headless Inspectre: Easy now young man. Remember, I have my obligations as well, and they will be honored. Dillon: Yeah yeah, get back to me once you destroy those losers. (it goes to the gang as the swarm heads toward them.) Kerry: I'm going to take these bugs head on. All: Fine. Kerry: Huh? Anyway, don't come after me no matter how much I may beg, plead or cry. Cosmo: Sounds good. (Kerry runs toward the wasps.) Kerry: Someone help me! I beg you all! Cosmo: He did say don't come no matter how much he may beg. Kerry: Show some mercy, some restraint! Francis: And plead. (Kerry is heard crying.) Colleen: And cry. (the wasps fly away as Kerry crawls toward the gang.) Kerry: I ask you to do one thing and you screw it up. (Kerry collapses.) Cosmo: Anyone up for ice cream? Julie: You do know that those wasps will be heading to us soon, right? Cosmo: Okay, all we need to do is find the tome and cancel the spell. Any volunteers? Preston: Would it be too much trouble if I got myself a cup of coffee before we go on? Cosmo: You could get a cup on your way to stopping this spell. Preston: Darn. Cosmo: Tommy, Marie, you go with him. Marie: Oh do we have to? Cosmo: This could be your gift to me. Tommy: Deal. (Tommy and Marie power up and run, with Preston trying to catch up to them.) Preston: I-I'll catch up with you eventually. (it goes to Dillon and the Headless Inspectre on the hill.) Dillon: I am unstoppable! Headless Inspectre: Don't be so cocky. You have yet to face your enemies head on. Speaking of, what're you dealing with on your end? Tommy: Dillon, should've known you'd be behind something like this. Marie: You in our turf, and you aint going to wreck it, well, unless Kerry's involved. (Preston slowly climbs up the hill) Preston: I'll just watch until I get some energy back... Headless Inspectre: Slowly slowly, who're you two? How do you know about Kerry? And how did you two become so muscular at such a young age? Tommy: Tommy, she's Marie, Kerry's the mayor, uncle of one of our classmates, we were told about the Raven Stakes, and so far fertility pills are the main culprit. Headless Inspectre: Well then, I'll leave you to deal with your friend. You're not under my radar. Marie: Hey, he's not our friend. Headless Inspectre: Whatever, I'll be back. (the Headless Inspectre disappears. Tommy and Marie approach Dillon.) Dillon: There has to be a spell to put you losers in your- ACK! (Dillon's grabbed by the neck. Tommy and Marie begin tossing him around and throw him into a tree. Preston crawls to Dillon wheezing.) Preston: C-coffee...? Dillon: No. Preston: You have that bottled stuff in your pocket. Dillon: Five bucks. Preston: Five... FIVE BUCKS FOR SOMETHING YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO BE DRINKING!? (Preston violently beats up Dillon.) Tommy: Hold it! I think you got the point across. Preston: Would it be impossible to have a cup of coffee? Without any price tag? Marie: We'll see what we could do, but we had better call off the swarm first. Preston: Right, right. (Preston reads the tome.) Preston: Here we go. Swarm swarm, go away, you're turning everyone- Marie: That should be good. (The swarm heads toward the three, but it goes right into the book.) Preston: That was... kinda underwhelming. Tommy: When someone like Dillon's at the helm, of course it'd be underwhelming. Marie: That ghost didn't do a whole lot either. What's up with that? Preston: He only goes after people he makes a deal with, I'd go in deeper but you may be too young to handle it. Tommy: I'd ask, but I think we should just rejoin the others. (the three rejoin the others.) Cosmo: Given that we were moments away from seeing if we were allergic to bees- Marie: It was a piece of cake. Preston: And I even got a free cup of coffee! Cosmo: Let's see, a crisis was averted, I got to do nearly everything I wanted to do for today, my house wasn't wrecked- Ned: Don't rub it in. Cosmo: And I got to see Kerry suffer. This is the best birthday ever! No contest- uh? (Cosmo sees Tommy and Marie are sad.) Cosmo: What's the matter? Marie: Had a good day, huh? Cosmo: Yes. Why're you two sad about it? Tommy: ...We couldn't give you the best possible day. We wanted to give you a birthday gift but we didn't know what to get you. Marie: You're everything to us, we must look like total letdowns huh? Cosmo: Are you kidding me? You saved our neighborhood, relatively, you were... there for breakfast? Look, I don't hold anything against the two of you. You two mean more to me than anyone else in this forsaken country. Somehow, you two are the best gifts I could ask for, because you two care about me as much as I care about you. Tommy/Marie: Oh dad! (the two hug Cosmo.) Cosmo: C-could you at least go back to normal before you embrace me? (the two return to normal. They run up and leap to him, giving him a hug.) Alison: Okay, safe neighborhood, happy embrace, hate to break up the mushy stuff but what's missing on your list? (the gang surround Alison looking perplexed.) Cosmo: Come to my backyard in three hours. (later, everyone goes to Cosmo's backyard for a party.) Lars: Well Cosmo, I must say, I envy you. You could make simple pleasures seem like sheer heaven compared to the lap of luxury. Cosmo: And don't you forget that. (Kerry is seen with his face swolen.) Kerry: Aghhhhhhhhh.... (Preston walks over, jittering.) Preston: Coffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee.... (Preston grabs the pitcher of coffee and accidentally drops it on Kerry.) Cosmo: Good news Preston, you'll be getting ten free cups of coffee for your birthday. (Preston groans and jitters.) (it goes back to Dillon as the Headless Inspectre returns to him.) Dillon: Where were you? I fought those loser and won, and they just ran away like a bunch of babies. Headless Inspectre: I observed the neighborhood. My adversaries have gumption, initiative, charisma. Dillon: They're losers and I order you to kill them. Headless Inspectre: We're well beyond pedestrian orders at this point. I'm sure you heard the legend. Dillon: Yeah yeah I returned your head to you and now you're my slave. Headless Inspectre: For a day. Now it's time to return the favor. (it cuts away as Dillon screams.) (end)